


Don't You Leave Me Lonely Now

by WhenIFindLoveAgain



Category: The Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Carstairs - Freeform, Danger, F/M, Fanfic, M/M, Realtionship, animal - Freeform, cassandraclare, fall - Freeform, herondale - Freeform, heronstairs, jemcarstairs, samsex, selfharm, theinfernaldevices, willherondale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-15 04:35:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19288246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhenIFindLoveAgain/pseuds/WhenIFindLoveAgain
Summary: A period of Will's life, into the beginning of his parabatai relationship with Jem and life at the London Shadowhunter Institute. Depression, isolation, self-harm, haunting, and stress are major players in what I have constructed of Will's mood. Jem tries to save him.





	Don't You Leave Me Lonely Now

Will looked down mutelty at the 30 cuts he had made along his right fore-arm, and the blood that seeped down his wrists to his palms, pooling them before escaping down the sides of his hands, one by one winking beads of red formed at the inumberable cuts.  
In his left hand the piece of glass he used twinkled strangely, almost teasing him, blood across it.  
He had locked his bedroom door, so nobody could come in. He had shut his windows and yanked the curtains across them, even though it was impossible, for anybody to see him. The day he had come to the London Institute played over in his mind. To him, even through it all, it was like there was a mystery third person there. Too him it had been Ella, in his tangled mind that a part of her, out of love and the bonds of blood, could spare him some love and protect him as she always had when alive. When he sat in Charlotte's office, talking to her, to him Ella had been there, sitting on top of a book-shelf, her legs swinging in the middle of the air, her eyes soulful saying over and over again "God, love him, now that I can't. Love him for the rest of time. Don't let him fade away because of this...God, love him." When he had met Jem, how his smile had lit up Will's life, Ella had giggled and danced around them saying things like "Ooh, isn't a sweetheart?" "Look at his eyes!" "Come on, lovelies, you two need each other - let's get on with it." She was never like a ghost, with flickering eyes, nor did she had a halo or wings. She was like she always was. That physical force that Will always thought he couldn't live without. Of course, he had to learn the hard way, a thing he felt his soul shatter over regularly, and at that more than he'd like to admit.  
He didn't draw an iratze. Not now. He didn't care. The only pain he felt wasn't physical: Ella, Jem, everything...  
When people say to you about death, let me tell you one thing, Will. It's easy to accept and move on with the fact that one you love has died. It's the fact they're never coming back is all that pain and tears. And in a case I hope you never have to live through, to see them go before your eyes - that's another thing entirely  
The echoes of words his father had once said when his mother had died to Will, only a small child at the time, went through his head. "You were right, Dad."You were so...fucking right." He laid down on his bed and he gritted his teeth as tears slipped freely down his face, an ever-going stream. He softly gasped as suddenly the banging of fists sounded through the air.  
"Will!" Jem's happy voice called out. "Will, are you in there? Oh, you won't believe it!" Jem's laughter filled Will's head, and Will smiled, warmth blossoming through him, through the hard, dull ache of grief did somersaults in his stomach. He couldn't begin to describe how he was feeling - love and pain and more love echoed through him because of Jem, that reminder of beautiful, lovely, kind, forgiving Jem, and the quiet amazement that he almond-eyed boy was laughing, that he was happy. Happy. The word seemed so foreign to Will. Like a young-childhood memory of something happy from as much as decade ago, longer, even decades. Shock and shame. Will looked down at his arm, and at the glass in his other hand. At the same time He's not seeing this and Help me raged a terrible battle in his brain.   
"Hang on, Jem," Will said, and he immediately regretted it. Jem knew he was there. He couldn't hide away on the other side of the bed until Jem went away. He had done it.   
"Will?"  
It was too late. "Wait a moment, I'm right here." Will said in a clear voice, panic flooding through him. He hurriedly, and as discreetly as possible, drew an iratze and banadged his arm, pulling his shirt-sleeves down and buttoning them at the wrist. He ran his hands across his face and mussed up his hair a bit. It didn't do - his eyes puffy from crying. There was too much pain, and even with the physical extent hidden...Will felt his lungs restrict in his chest.   
He un-locked his door and he let out a swear-word in Welsh as Jem crashed into his arms, wrapping his around Will, and momentarily buring his head in the crook of Will's shoulder, before pulling away, looking at him happily in the face. Will smiled genuinely "Bloody hell, what was that?" He said. Jem's expression faltered.  
"Will, what's wrong?" Jem said.  
"What do you mean?" Will said tightly. Don't, please, Jem, he thought desperately. Don't ask me when this is what I am, please don't....I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry  
"Will...you're crying." Jem froze, his lips parted, unsure what to do. Will quickly raised a hand to his cheek, and he froze as he pulled it away, where his fingertips were wet. He looked mutely horrified at Jem. The both of them didn't say anything. A minute passed in terrified silence. As, finally, Jem opened his mouth to speak Will sped into his room and slammed the door shut behind him. He rested his entire body weight against his side of the door as Jem shouted his name, and began to pound the wood.  
"Jem, go away!" Will shouted, breaking into a fresh wave of tears. This time it wasn't just Jem. His arm thudded with pain, the cuts bursting open, his blood soaking through the thrice layer of skin-thin bandanges. The blood-soaked bandages began to leave marks on his sleeve. He panted breaths in and out of his burning lungs.  
Jem, on the other side of the door steeled himself, though internally he felt himself die a thousand times. "Will, please, let me in." Jem whispered, crouching down and speaking through the key-hole. "Talk to me, please."  
"Jem, go away..." Will slid to the ground and buried his face in his hands. "This is not your burden." He whispered to himself, not knowing if Jem had heard that truth or not.  
"I don't care, Will. Let me in." Jem's tone became even more urgent. He seemed close to tears. Will cringed, imagining how bad it would become when he learned the whole truth, because that's what would happen if Will let him in. It would be like flimsy wooden flood-gates against a tsunami. "I see you all the time Will, why not now?" A weak chuckle escaped through his lips. "You're not alright, and the both us know that. By The Angel, tell me, if not anyone else."  
Will stood up shakily and opened the door. He stared at Jem, who had previously been crouching on the ground, stand up, looking him directly in the eye. Jem's eyes strayed to his right arm, the blood now visibly staining his sleeve and wrist-cuff. Jem's lips parted, and he otherwise remained composed except for the fact that his eyes betrayed him. They were full of blinding pain and muted horror, exactly as the whole situation they were entrapped in was.  
"Jem..." Will whispered, gazing straight into Jem's eyes. "I -" He gave a muffled gasp as suddenly Jem's were around him, nearly squeezing too tightly for him to breathe, Jem's head against his. Will felt his body reel at the heat of Jem's body against his, Jem's breath against his neck, Jem's chest rising and falling with breath against Will's own. Will had no idea how long they stood like that, but he knew that it was a long time before he brought his arms up to wound around Jem, one arm around his back, the other diagonal across his shoulder, that hand coming to his neck, Will's fingertips brushing his face, and even after that it was a longer time still.  
Don't let me go, Will thought as Jem detached himself from Will to close and lock the door, before coming back to him, as though drawn like a magnet. Before Will could say anything, Jem unbuttoned his shirt, pulling it off him. His fingertips gently wound out the bandage from around Will's arm. The iratze was beginning to work, and now the cuts had stopped bleeding and looked like scratches one might expect from a cat or a loose nail in a building. Jem's hand rose to Will's face where little drops of salt-tasting water leaked down his face.   
They weren't speaking. Not because of anger or fury. Because there were no words. Jem slid Will's shirt back over him, and took his hand, taking him from his room to Jem's. "Will, could you do something for me?" Jem finally spoke, but his words came out hoarse and jaggered.  
Will nodded numbly, and laid down on his bed, his arms straight by his side, closing his eyes as Jem had wanted. He didn't feel anything. He wasn't curious. He just wanted to be alone. And if not alone, with Jem, who still stubbornly refused to be his parabatai with those kind eyes browny-black with the thinnest rim of silver at the edges. Will didn't see Jem take off all of his clothes; he only felt coolness of bare skin against his own as Jem climbed over the top of him, his hands either side of Will's head.  
Why is it all beautiful things are broken in someplace or another? Jem thought to himself. He took a deep breath and after a moment's hesitation he kissed Will. He didn't see that Will's eyes didn't open, but Jem felt the tremble that ran through Will's body.   
"Jem." Will said softly, opening his eyes, which were stunned. Jem didn't speak. He raised his hands to his Will's face, one of his thumbs running lightly over Will's cheekbone, kissing him gently over and over. After another one of those long periods of time where essentially nothing at all happened, but everything was happening, Will put his hand on Jem's chest, pushing him away. They searched each other's faces but it was clear for both of them.  
Can I lay by your side? Next to you - because I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight. Stay with me and let me love you Will  
Jem wants me to be here. He wants me and this. It shouldn't happen, but I want you too  
Clairty both dawned on them slowly as the rising sun, as the sun outside finally vanished into the earth's dark horizion, nearly two hours to midnight in the evening. The time of summer, Jem had called it with a gentle glowing sensation about him, like a family of will-o-the-wisp's had taken up residence in his chest and the space behind his eyes, lighting him up. Will wondered when Jem had said that by his side, if that glow was because or wasn't just for the etheral quiality of the season, maybe it was the fact that the stars were been washed across the sky at slow speed by Will's side.   
Their mouths crashed together in suddenly a desperate hurry and Jem gasped as Will flung himself up suddenly, so Jem found himself straddling Will's lap. He tried not to stare at Will's mangled arm which had started to bleed again wrapped around him. The both had dealt with the fact an age ago that was Jem was naked, but Jem got a feeling of been obscene, but it wasn't that he wanted to cover up - it was what he wanted to do in that state.  
"Will, I -" Jem pulled back and turned to the side as he started coughing. A fleeting memory of his grandfather wheezing and coughing when he went up the stairs too quickly went through his head, along with his grandmother on another seperate occasion saying how it sounded like a dog barking - or a walrus. After a few moment he stopped. His hand that had been at his mouth went to his chest where it ached, and Jem tried to focus on his breathing.   
"Jem, are you okay?" Will's voice broke through the ringing in his ears. Will's hands ran up his shoulders, coming to his neck, wrapping there comfortably. All the while a hurricane raged through him - confusion, unexplainable sadness, grief, and now on top of that lust and worry and fear. Will glanced at the door, locked thankfully, of Jem's room. Ella was standing there, her arms crossed beneath her breasts, her blonde hair braided back, her bright green eyes inherited from their father curious.   
"What are you going to do now, Gwil?" She asked him, blinking. "Don't you let him go, whatever you do. He's fragile, but he's one of the strongest things ever going to be in your life. Don't run away scared because he went too fast for his lungs. You don't have to give yourself to him you know, but underneath all this he just wants to mend you."  
She faded away just as if she were never there, and Will was thrown back to reality, where it seemed time had been stopped at that exact moment for both he and Jem, just when Will asked if he was alright. Jem looked down at Will. "How can you ask me that when it's you that's not okay?" Jem said, picking up Will's mangled arm. As though bit by electricity, Will snatched his arm away, looking at Jem's chest, unable to meet his gaze. Gentler this time, Jem tugged off Will's shirt, slipping it off his shoulders and arms slowly.   
Don't you leave me lonely now....


End file.
